


The Rime of Sebastian Smythe

by cre8iveovadose



Category: Glee
Genre: Cutting, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, OOC, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, seblaine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-20
Updated: 2016-01-23
Packaged: 2018-05-15 03:33:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5769685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cre8iveovadose/pseuds/cre8iveovadose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Throwing the slushie at Blaine brought a curse upon Sebastian Smythe and in the weeks that follow, he swiftly spirals into a crushing maelstrom of depression that works its dark power faster than he or anyone around him can handle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or its characters. I hate scriptwriting way too much to be a showrunner.  
> A/N: Canon up to 3x11 “Michael”, then I diverge. Passages at the start of each chapter taken from “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner” by Samuel Taylor Coleridge.

**THE RIME OF SEBASTIAN SMYTHE**

**Chapter 1:**

_“At length did cross an Albatross,_  
Thorough the fog it came;   
As if it had been a Christian soul,   
We hailed it in God's name.”

The halls of Dalton Academy had never felt so crowded before. Sebastian clenched the strap of his messenger bag in his fist as he walked through the bustling halls. But no matter how nondescript he tried to make himself, eyes followed him everywhere. Whispers of ‘slushie’ and ‘Blaine Anderson’ and ‘traitor’ followed him. No one believed Sebastian was capable of such violence against one of their own, despite the Warblers’ insistence that it wasn’t meant for Blaine. But no one was happy that he’d wanted to hurt Kurt either.

It had been a week since the Jackson-off. That girl, Santana, had tried to make him confess to what he’d done and he’d had to bite back tears after he slushied her. The New Directions had then invited them to their auditorium where everyone ganged up on Sebastian and tried to make him say he was sorry. He’d wanted to get up and join them, to apologise for what he’d done and how he hated himself for it. But all his pride would let him do was sit back, give them a sarcastic clap and walk out with his head held high when they told him to get lost. He’d gone home and listened to the tape of him confessing what he’d done while he cut himself and drenched a towel in his own blood.

He knew he would get away with what he’d done. The Dalton Headmaster had already said there wasn’t much he could do about the Blaine incident since it was outside of school hours and outside the campus grounds but he’d given Sebastian a week of after school detention for what he did to Santana. Sebastian accepted his punishment with a small nod and three lines across his right wrist in the west wing bathroom on his way back to Calculus.

Sebastian was on his way to Warblers’ practice now but as he reached the doors to the senior commons, Sebastian hesitated. He’d only kept the scheduled practice because he didn’t want to cancel another one. He knew he’d have to sit down and look the other Warblers in the eye eventually. They weren’t like his lacrosse team which he’d already been kicked off of for his behaviour. Not that he cared – with his arms in the state they were, the less time spent in changing rooms the better. He gripped his left wrist briefly and as the throb of pain moved through him, he opened the door and headed inside to face the Warblers.

Hushed whispers were silenced and eyes, which were now used to the act, flicked to him before gazes dropped to the floor to study shoes and floorboards and the grains of material that made up schoolbags. David, Nick and Thad were sitting at the council table, which Sebastian had thought he’d gotten rid of quite thoroughly, with their hands clasped in front of them and they sighed as they looked at Sebastian.

“Alright guys, that’s it for today,” David said. “We’ll pick this up again tomorrow.”

The Warblers hurried out of the senior commons, knocking into Sebastian as they rushed past. Trent gave him a small smile and Sebastian tried to smile back but Jeff knocked into his left arm and the pain turned the gesture to a snarl. Trent ducked his head and scurried away. Sebastian wished he could go after him but when he turned, the councilmen cleared their throats.

“Warbler Sebastian, we need to speak with you.” David stood from his seat in the middle of the trio.

“Shouldn’t there be a ‘captain’ somewhere in that sentence?” Sebastian asked with a forced laugh. “And where did you find that table? I was sure I’d hidden it so well that the Easter Bunny would never find it.”

“We decided to renounce your captaincy after what you did to Blaine,” Thad said as he stood up. “We don’t want someone like you speaking for the group as a whole.”

Sebastian frowned. “But what about Regionals? My name’s down on the participation forms, I have to be there.” It was the only thing he was still looking forward to.

“You’ll still be going to Regionals,” Nick said, standing as well. “You haven’t been kicked out of the Warblers. But we couldn’t let you get away with what you did to Blaine. What you tried to do to Kurt.” The three of them walked out from behind the table and came to stand in front of Sebastian. They each folded their arms across their chests, making themselves look like a D-list boyband from 1993.

“The Headmaster couldn’t do anything – that’s not my fault,” Sebastian said with a shrug. “If Blaine wants to press charges then that’s his problem.”

“Blaine won’t press charges,” David said. “We’ve already spoken to him and he doesn’t want you to get in any more trouble.”

“I told him he was too forgiving,” Thad said. “I told him that you deserve to rot in hell for what you did.”

“Control yourself, Warbler Thad,” David said. “We’re taking the high road here.”

Sebastian shook his head. “Alright, fine. You still want to punish me, then punish me. Just get over all this half-assed mob style chicanery and tell me what’s gonna happen.”

“You’re on probation and banned from Warblers practice for one week,” David said, averting his eyes for a moment. “One of us will keep you in the loop with the plans for Regionals and you will be taken into consideration for all performances. But you are not to set foot in these commons for a week outside of school hours.”

Sebastian’s breath was gone, his betrayal weighing on him and pulling him down onto a leather couch. His messenger bag fell from his shoulder and tugged on his arm, pain sparking along his nerves.

“We trust that you’ll adhere to these guidelines, Sebastian,” David said. “We’ll see you at next Monday’s practice.”

Sebastian nodded, numb, and listened as they left. When he heard the doors close, he shook off the strap of his bag and leaned forward to hold his head in his hands as tears began to slip down his cheeks.

“Woah, Sebastian, it’s okay.”

He jumped at the sound of Nick’s voice, looking up and watching as his friend sat down beside him.

“It’s just a week,” Nick said with a soft smile. “Enjoy some spare time. Get ahead on your homework or something. I’m sure you’ll find a use for the time while you’ve got it.”

Sebastian shook his head. “I can’t. I can’t be without this for a week. Not now.”

“What are you talking about?”

“No one’s talking to me, Nick. No one trusts me. They’re angry and they have a right to be but I can’t deal with it anymore! I can’t lose the Warblers too!”

“Woah, okay, it’s alright. Just, take a breath or two,” Nick paused. “How about you go see Blaine?”

Sebastian sniffed and clasped a hand around his wrist, trying to make his grip seem nervous rather than purposeful as he squeezed the bandaged cuts that hid beneath his blazer. “Blaine won’t want to see me. And even if he does, Kurt wouldn’t let me within a mile of him.”

“Well, I have it on good authority that Blaine is at home right now and he’s very bored because Kurt is helping Rachel with wedding plans.” Nick was looking at his phone before he showed the screen to Sebastian, the latest text message from Blaine reporting the same information. “I can drive you over there if you want.”

“Do you really think he’d want to see me?”

“He asked how you’ve been when Thad and I visited him in the hospital after it happened. He may have been angry that you tried to hurt Kurt but he’s still worried about you.”

Sebastian nodded, thinking about the conversations he’d had with Blaine before all this happened. Blaine could always sense when something was wrong with him though he never found out how Sebastian coped with it. He didn’t need to know.

“Come on,” Nick said as he stood up. “We’ll head over to Blaine’s, pick up some donuts or something on the way. Oh, do you know Blaine’s coffee order? We could get coffee for him if you do.”

“Yeah, I know his coffee order.” A smile tugged at his lips.

“Excellent. Off we go then.”

The ride to Blaine’s stretched on into eternity. Once they’d picked up the coffee and donuts, Sebastian tapped his fingers ceaselessly against the tray that he balanced on his lap while Nick drove. The uniformity of the streets they passed once they reached Blaine’s neighbourhood made Sebastian nervous. Was everything in Blaine’s world perfect except for the school he went to? How had Blaine managed to have a life so together when Sebastian’s was so all over the place?

Pulling up outside Blaine’s, Nick took the coffees while Sebastian carried the donut box and they made the short walk up Blaine’s front path before Nick rapped on the door. After a bang and a crash, the door opened to reveal a tall woman with long brown hair and eyes the same warm brown as Blaine’s.

“Nick! How lovely to see you again. You come by to see Blaine?”

“Hey Pam. Yeah. This is Jake – he’s a new Warbler who Blaine was helping out before he transferred to McKinley.”

“Lovely to meet you, Jake,” Pam said as she let them inside. “Blaine’s upstairs watching TV if you wanna go up. You remember the way?”

“Yes ma’am,” Nick said with a nod before he started up the stairs. Sebastian offered a small smile to Blaine’s mother before he followed Nick.

“So my name’s Jake now?” Sebastian whispered as they walked down a hallway.

“You really think she’d let you in if she knew you’re the one responsible for maiming her youngest child?”

“Point taken.”

Nick stopped at the door at the end of the hall and knocked before walking in. The light was low and a TV hummed and flickered in a corner but the figure in the bed that took up the centre of the room lay still. Nick set the coffees down on the nightstand and flicked on a lamp before shaking Blaine’s shoulder.

“Blaine, it’s Nick. Wake up, old man.”

There was a groan and a rustle before Blaine sat up. He smiled at Nick before he turned to face Sebastian. A patch was secured over his right eye and he wore dark blue pyjamas with red trim which made Sebastian smile.

“What are you two doing here?” Blaine asked, not taking his uninjured eye off Sebastian. There was no malice in his expression but his unwavering gaze and the bright gauze beneath the patch made Sebastian’s skin crawl.

Nick sat down in the chair beside the bed and handed Blaine his coffee. “One medium drip for you. It’s been a bit of a rough week back at Dalton so we thought we’d drop by and see what Blaine ‘Living Sunshine’ Anderson was up to.”

“You still taking your coffee with Courvoisier, Sebastian?” Blaine asked before he took a sip.

“Only when I can get it.” Sebastian put the box of donuts down on the end of the bed. “We brought donuts too.”

“Mmm, sounds tempting, but Kurt will kill me. He says I’ve already been too indulgent since,” Blaine gestured to his eyes, “you know.”

“Screw Kurt,” Nick said as he reached for the box. “You’re sick and you’re allowed to do whatever you want when you’re sick. Especially if it involves donuts.”

Blaine laughed and took the chocolate glazed donut he was handed before he gestured to a stool on the other side of the bed. “You can sit down, Sebastian. The chair won’t bite.”

Sebastian grimaced as he took a seat. Nick handed him his coffee and pushed the donuts towards him but he didn’t take any. He just looked at Blaine while the boy nibbled on his donut.

“I’m so sorry, Blaine,” Sebastian blurted after a long moment of silence. “I didn’t mean to hurt you and I’m sorry that I was trying to hurt Kurt. That was ridiculous and awful and I’m disgusting and horrible and I can’t stop cut-” He clamped a hand over his left wrist and watched as his hand shook and his coffee fell to the floor, warm brown liquid spilling across the carpet. “Oh shit.”

“Nick, there’s towels in the bathroom,” Blaine said as he pushed the blankets off and stood up. “Second door on the left.”

Nick dashed from the room while Sebastian knelt down and picked up his coffee cup. He knew the cream carpet would stain and there’d be no way of hiding it. How could he have been so stupid?

“It’s okay, Seb,” Blaine said as he knelt down beside him, a small cloth in hand, and began to mop up the mess. “No harm done. At least not to the carpet.”

“I’m fine, it’s nothing,” Sebastian murmured.

“Look on my nightstand and find my phone. Put your number in it.”

“I thought you had my number,” Sebastian mumbled as he stood up to fetch Blaine’s phone. He’d been waiting for Blaine to text him how much he hated him and that he never wanted to see Sebastian ever again.

“I crushed it when I dove in front of Kurt. It was a heroic death that will go down in show choir battle history but it meant that I lost all my contacts. Can you grab the other towel off my dresser?”

Sebastian returned with the towel and Blaine’s phone. He handed the towel to Blaine and quickly keyed in his number before tossing the phone onto the bed. “Let me mop that up, Blaine.”

Blaine nodded, handing the towel to Sebastian and leaning back against the bed. “Have you ever read Coleridge’s ‘The Rime of the Ancient Mariner’?”

“Yeah, we’re studying it now. Don’t know why. There aren’t many of us bound to end up sailors.”

“That stuff – with the albatross – always gets me thinking. I don’t know much about albatrosses but I can imagine that having one around your neck would get pretty heavy after not very long. Keeping a secret or pursuing an unattainable goal. That’s gotta weigh a person down, make it hard to see when what they’re doing is starting to hurt them.”

Sebastian focused on soaking up his spilled coffee but what he hadn’t gotten out already would need carpet cleaner. Still, he tried to scrub it out with the towel and ignored Blaine and the pain in his arms.

Blaine lowered his voice. “Seb, if you’re hurting yourself, you need to talk to someone.” He touched Sebastian’s shoulder, watching how he tensed beneath his touch. “If you wanna talk, please call me. My number’s the same.”

Sebastian nodded and got to his feet. “Sure. Whatever. Do you want a hand back into bed?”

“Please. They’ve got me on these pain meds that make me so tired.”

While Sebastian was helping Blaine back into bed, Nick returned with towels and carpet spray. He tended to the stain on the carpet while Sebastian gathered up the coffee-drenched towels and tossed them in the laundry hamper.

“Is there anything else we can do?” Nick asked as he got up from cleaning the carpet. “Do you need your curtains torn to shreds or your doorknobs put in upside down?”

Blaine managed a small smile but his eye was lidded and he’d snuggled down into the blankets. “No, I’m alright. I could do with some sleep though.”

“Okay, we’ll head off,” Nick said. “It’s a long drive back to Westerville after all.”

“Text if you need anything, Seb.”

Sebastian nodded as Blaine’s eye drifted shut and he began to snore. Stepping forward, Sebastian pulled the blankets up over Blaine while Nick grabbed the donut box and the empty coffee tray.

As they headed downstairs, Nick cleared his throat.

“Why did Blaine tell you to text him?” he asked.

“Just being nice,” Sebastian murmured. “You know Blaine.”

Nick nodded but Sebastian knew there were questions buzzing away in his head. He wouldn’t answer them. Besides, if Blaine knew what he was doing just from what little slip surely it wouldn’t take long for the rest of the Warblers to figure it out.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2:**

_“God save thee, ancient Mariner!_  
From the fiends, that plague thee thus!—   
Why look'st thou so?'—With my cross-bow   
I shot the ALBATROSS.” 

**_A month later_ **

They hadn’t figured it out yet and it had only gotten worse.

Sebastian could hardly find the strength to get out of bed anymore. His mother was basically force-feeding him breakfast and dinner. His father had tried to take him to the doctor, figuring he had mono or something. The Warblers were getting sick of him messing up dance steps or forgetting words. He hadn’t even been to Scandals for a week, not since he’d last seen that Karofsky guy.

Blaine had texted him a few times but it was sporadic and light-hearted. Sebastian hadn’t revealed anything and Blaine hadn’t delved and Sebastian wasn’t going to change that system if he could avoid it. All he wanted to do was make it through finals so that he could sleep through spring break from start to finish.

The albatross was getting heavier and Sebastian knew it would take nothing more than a piece of bad news to bring him crashing down.

The Monday before Regionals, Sebastian was staggering through the Dalton hallways. At least here when he was out of sorts, people just assumed he’d been on a bender. Even if he showed up under the weather four days in a row. He had scraped through a Chemistry test and was on his way to meet the Warblers when he heard two boys talking about it.

“Well do you remember that Kurt guy? The one that transferred in because he was being bullied by the in-the-closet gay guy? Turns out that that bully ended up being bullied for the same reason he bullied Kurt.”

“I’m sorry, you’ve lost me.”

“Whatever. The point is, the bully got bullied too bad and ended up going home and trying to off himself. Tried to hang himself in his closet. A little ironic if you ask me-”

Sebastian’s heart pounded in his chest and his temples throbbed as he hurried towards the senior commons. Bursting through the doors, he was surprised to find the other Warblers sombre and quiet.

Nick looked up at him when he came through the doors. “Did you hear?”

“D-Dave Karofsky, right? That’s who they’re talking about?”

Thad nodded but his eyes were vacant where he sat at the council table. “It’s all over Facebook. Some of the things they’re saying… No wonder he felt so awful.”

“Is he – is he gonna be alright?”

“No idea,” David murmured. “But we have a Regionals performance to practice for. We’ll just have to do our best today, Warblers. Be thankful it wasn’t Blaine.”

“Or Kurt,” Thad noted.

Or me, Sebastian thought.

But he wasn’t sure that would be true for much longer.

.

After practice – which lasted half as long as it usually did – Sebastian drove to the Lima Bean. He had texted Blaine between dance numbers, asking to meet, and they had arranged to meet at the coffee shop. He drove above the speed limit and tried not to think about the blades in his glove box or at the bottom of his bag. If he got to Blaine he could talk and it would all be okay. It had to be.

When he pulled into the Lima Bean parking lot, Sebastian almost left his car running before he hurried inside. His hands were shaking and the smell of coffee and pastries made his stomach churn as he searched for Blaine amongst the globs of people around tables. He saw a hand stick into the air and looked along its wrist and arm to find Blaine watching him with wide eyes. He walked over and sunk into the chair opposite Blaine and tried to catch his breath.

“What’s wrong, Sebastian?” Blaine asked. “You don’t look well.”

“I’m not,” Sebastian said with a gulp. “I’m not. Everything’s wrong and messy and sick and bad and I don’t know what to do.”

“You heard about Dave?”

Sebastian nodded and tears welled in his eyes. “I saw him last week, Blaine. He was at Scandals and he asked for help with something and I told him- I told him _awful_ things, Blaine. I was awful to him. Maybe if I hadn’t said those things-”

“No, don’t get into thinking like that,” Blaine said. He reached across the table for Sebastian’s hand. “This wasn’t your fault. This was those bullies fault, not yours.”

“But Blaine, what if I am one of those bullies? I treated him like crap because he was different. Doesn’t that make me just as bad as them?”

“You’re looking for excuses.”

Sebastian shook his head. “No. I’m looking for reasons.”

“Reasons for what?”

He bit his lip. He’d said too much.

“Sebastian. Reasons for what? What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing. This was a mistake.” Sebastian got to his feet, stumbling over the chair leg.

Blaine fixed a knowing expression on him. “That albatross getting a little heavier, Smythe?”

Sebastian shook his head. “I can’t do this.” He turned and ran from the Lima Bean, Blaine shouting after him.

He got back into his car and sped off home. He could hear his phone ringing in his bag but he ignored it. If Blaine wanted to interfere so badly he could follow Sebastian home.

Pulling into his driveway, Sebastian finally took a deep breath and tried to compose himself. His mother was home and, noticing the time, his father wouldn’t be far off either. He just had to pretend he was sick, that he didn’t want dinner and that, yes, he would go to the doctor in the morning if he was still feeling unwell. Which hopefully he wouldn’t be, but they didn’t need to know that.

Heading inside, he steeled himself for his mother’s worry and affection. She called to him from the kitchen as he closed the front door.

“Hey hun, how was your day?” Annabelle Smythe called.

“Not great. I’m not feeling very well.”

“Oh no,” she came out into the hallway, frowning at her son. “Have you got a fever?”

“I don’t think so. I just feel rotten. I might just go sleep it off. Probably too much stress.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. You go on up to bed. I can save you some dinner if you’d like.”

“Uh, sure. If I don’t wake up, I might just have it for lunch tomorrow or something.” He started up the stairs.

“Okay. I’ll leave you to rest. Shall I make an appointment at Dr Straitham’s in the morning just in case?”

“If you want.” Mothers were so predictable.

“Alright. Get some sleep. I hope you feel better soon. Give us a shout if you need anything.”

Sebastian nodded, feeling a slight twinge in his heart as he ascended the stairs.

Once inside his room, he dropped his bag and shrugged out of his blazer and yanked his shirt off over his head. He took a moment to glance at the bandages wrapped around his wrists and elbows and upper arms. Some of the material was specked with blood and as he turned to look in his mirror, he couldn’t understand how no one had noticed the bulk of his secret.

Sitting on the edge of his bed, Sebastian undid his belt and took off his pants and socks. He unwound all of the bandages, for the first time not worrying if blood from the wounds dripped onto his sheets or carpet. If he had his way, he wouldn’t have to worry about it much longer. When his arms were bare, he felt exposed even in the privacy of his dark bedroom. Messes of cuts and drops of blood littered his arms so completely he could barely see any skin left. But he’d have to find some because he wasn’t waking up tomorrow.

Reaching into the drawer of his nightstand, he found the penknife his father had given him when they went camping when he was twelve. He kept it for special ‘occasions’ and this definitely suited. Besides, Sebastian liked the idea of being found with a knife in his hand while his fingers were limp and his head was lolled so sweetly against the pillow. All above a sea of red that would torment whoever found him tomorrow for the rest of their lives. Resting the knife on his nightstand, he dragged two fingers over the inside of his left wrist, blood smearing over more cuts than skin. He knew what to do. He knew he could do it.

Sebastian shut off his mind. He thought of blank walls and empty stone and dug the knife into his skin and dragged it towards his elbow. He felt hot blood pour into his lap and he heard himself gasp. He fought to keep the image of a clear blue sky in his mind as he tried not to scream. He bit his lip and cut again, the pain burning and surging through him. He kept going.

When he heard the front door open and shut downstairs, Sebastian faltered. The blade slipped, the cut shallower than the others. It gave him a moment of clarity and he smirked at the mess he was making of his bedsheets before he heard his father speaking.

“Where’s Seb?”

“Shh. He’s upstairs sleeping. He wasn’t feeling well.”

Now he really wasn’t feeling well. Glancing at his arm again, he decided he’d done enough for now and lay back against his pillows. He put the penknife down beside him and pulled his blankets up before returning his attention to the conversation downstairs.

“-you know that a kid in Lima tried to kill himself last night, right? It was all over the local news at lunch. Bullied for being gay. You don’t think that’s why Sebastian’s been so out of it, do you?”

“I don’t know, Annabelle. Maybe I should go try talking to him.”

Sebastian froze but his heart sped up. No. His father couldn’t come up here now. Not while he was still awake. He tried to sit up again but his head swam and pounded and his vision blurred to black for a few seconds. He grappled for the knife but had lost his bearings as the world turned without him.

He heard feet on the stairs.

No, Dad, don’t come in here. Please. Not yet. I have to be asleep first. Please don’t find me while I can still watch you do it.

The doorknob turned and the hinges creaked as the door was pushed open.

“Seb, are you awake? I wanted to-”

The light flicked on overhead and Sebastian shrank into himself as he looked to his father. Their eyes widened as realisation dawned on Marcus Smythe and he screamed for his wife to call for an ambulance. Diving forward, he reached for Sebastian’s wrist to stem the bleeding but his son’s scream shocked him away again.

Sebastian sunk deeper into the pillows as tears streamed from his eyes. This wasn’t how it was meant to go. This wasn’t how he was meant to go.

He hoped it would be over soon.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3:**

_“Ah! well a-day! what evil looks_  
Had I from old and young!   
Instead of the cross, the Albatross   
About my neck was hung.”

Sebastian woke slowly, wading out of his unconsciousness as if he were moving through water with stones in his pockets. When his eyes opened, it was like staring into a flickering flame, everything shifted and sputtered and didn’t stay in the same place for more than a second. If he heard things, he didn’t remember them and he wasn’t sure he wanted to. He didn’t want to remember any of this if he had to wake up. Couldn’t he have gotten away with this just once more?

“Seb, honey? Can you hear me?”

Mom.

“I’m here, sweetie. Dad’s here too. Can you feel me holding your hand?”

He couldn’t.

“Come back to us. Please. We love you so much. We’re sorry we didn’t see that you needed help.”

Sebastian felt wetness on his cheeks and his eyes stung before he heard a gasp.

“Marcus, I think he’s waking up! He’s crying! Oh Sebby, please don’t cry. It’s alright. You’re alright.”

Don’t leave me.

“We won’t. We’re here. We’re not leaving.”

“ _Mom_.”

“Oh honey, it’s okay. Just relax. You’re safe now.”

Sebastian blinked away his tears, trying to look up at his mother. He could make out that she was sitting on the edge of his bed and he could hear a dull beeping off to his right. Something was clamped over one of his fingers – no, two of his fingers – and the blankets were soft against his bare feet. He closed his eyes again and felt his mother wipe away his tears before he looked up at her again, his vision finally clear.

“How are you feeling?” Annabelle asked, smoothing back Sebastian’s hair.

His stomach growled. “Hungry.”

She managed a laugh. “Good. That’s good.” She turned away. “Marcus, could you go get the nurse?”

“Dad?” Sebastian tried to peer around his mother before his father appeared at the end of the bed.

“I’m here, bud,” Marcus murmured. He leaned his hands on the foot of the bed, his eyes tired and his face shaded with stubble.

“I’m so sorry, Dad. I didn’t want you to find me like-”

“Someone had to find you, Seb. It’s okay. I’m okay. We’ve just gotta focus on getting you well again, alright?”

Sebastian sniffed and nodded but he was crying again. His father came and stood on his right before he leaned down and pulled Sebastian into a cautious embrace. Sebastian tried to calm down but pain was starting to ebb and flow over his senses and when he sunk back against his pillow, his mother didn’t miss his grimace.

“Are you alright, Seb?” Annabelle asked, touching his face again.

“Pain.”

“Okay, I’ll go get the nurse,” Marcus said, disappearing.

“We’ll get this all sorted out, Sebby,” Annabelle murmured. “We’ll take you home and start again.”

“They’re gonna let me go home?”

“Hopefully. They said they’d have to talk to you when you woke up. We’ll get through it.”

Sebastian nodded and tried to let himself relax. Marcus returned with a nurse named Imogen who checked Sebastian’s vitals and his bandages and chattered away about how good it was to see him awake.

“We called up Dr Hoffman and she’s happy to hear you’re hungry. She won’t be by for about an hour though so what would you like to eat? Pro tip: I make a mean cheese sandwich.”

“That’ll do.”

“Great, I’ll go get that for you. And how about that pain? Can you rate it for me from one to ten?”

“Maybe a three?”

“Okay. What kind of pain is it? Aching?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright. You might have to wait until you’ve seen your doctor. I’ll see what I can do. You just rest easy. I’ll be back soon.”

They fell silent again, Sebastian closing his eyes and trying not to think about anything. But through the haze of hunger and pain, wide brown eyes blinked at him in his mind.

“Blaine.”

“What was that, honey?”

Sebastian opened his eyes and looked at his mother. “Blaine. I need to talk to Blaine.”

Annabelle frowned. “Isn’t he the boy from that incident with the slushie?”

“Yes but – he tried to help me, Mom. He knew somehow what I was doing and he tried to help and I went and saw him before I…” He shifted his arms. “I have to talk to him. I have to tell him I’m okay.”

“Let’s see what the doctor says first, Seb,” Marcus said. “You might have to be here a few days yet.”

“How long have I been here already?”

“Almost two days,” Annabelle said. “The 72-hour watch finishes tomorrow but they’re still worried about infection and the-” She gestured to his arms. “We promise to take you home as soon as we can, but until then Blaine might have to wait.”

“But Mom, he was calling me. He knew I was in trouble. He’ll be so worried.”

“No more worried than we are. Family first, Sebastian. Then you can catch up with your friends. But none of that until you’re better.”

Sebastian sighed and settled back into his pillows. Imogen brought him a sandwich and a single Tylenol for the pain and said that Dr Hoffman had been delayed. As night drew in, Sebastian urged his parents to go home and sleep before he tried to drift off too but just as he did a gentle hand shook his shoulder.

“Sebastian? I’m sorry to wake you. It’s Dr Hoffman.”

Sebastian yawned and looked up at his doctor who smiled softly back at him. She wore scrubs beneath her white coat and there were thinly veiled bags under her eyes. Sebastian sensed he was part of what put them there.

“I just wanted to have a chat to you. Is that alright?”

“Yeah. Mom said you wanted to talk to me. Easier to get it over with.”

Dr Hoffman frowned for a second before she gestured to Sebastian’s arms. “How long have you been doing this for?”

Sebastian shrugged. “Three years. Just on and off. Never really been one of those cut-every-day people. Well, not for extended periods of time. When I crash, it lasts about four or five days and then I just … stop.” He looked down at the bandages that covered every inch of his arm from shoulder to wrist except for a small gap at the crease of his elbow. “Except for this time.”

“How long had this ‘crash’ lasted for before the other night?”

He took a deep breath. “About a month.”

“Why so long this time?”

“Everything was just wrong.” His voice shook and he wanted to hide. “I hurt Blaine and everyone hated me _except_ Blaine and I couldn’t take it anymore. Then I sort of levelled out and I thought everything was gonna be okay again but then Dave-” His throat clenched and he fought to steady his breathing.

“Dave? Who was Dave?”

Sebastian stared at the blanket and tried to ignore the bandages at the edge of his vision. “Dave tried to kill himself. He was being bullied.”

“Are you being bullied, Sebastian?”

“No. No, I was the one doing the bullying. I was horrible to him and then he tried to kill himself and I didn’t know what to do.”

“Well, I shouldn’t tell you this but I think it might help… Dave’s alright. He’s going home in the morning.”

“He’s alive?”

“He’s alive. And so are you. So the next question is: do you still want to hurt yourself?”

Sebastian bit his lip and looked at his arms. There was still a steady throb and his fingers were stiff. His upper arms were starting to itch as the skin healed beneath the bandages. His parents knew now and that changed everything. Including his answer to the question.

“I-I want to but I don’t think I will.”

“Why do you think that?”

“When I was doing it, when I was trying to… I heard my dad coming up the stairs. And I was so scared he’d find me because I didn’t want him to see that. I didn’t want him to have to remember me ever looking like that. It’s too late to do anything about that now but maybe – maybe I can stop it from ever happening again.”

Dr Hoffman nodded and got to her feet. “Alright. I’ll let you get some sleep but I’ll come back in the morning and we’ll have another chat.”

“Will I be able to go home?”

“We need to figure out a treatment plan first but yes, I think you’ll be able to go home by Friday.”

Sebastian nodded. “Okay. Thank you.”

“Everything will work out, Sebastian. You’re not in this alone.”

Dr Hoffman left and Sebastian went back to sleep. He dreamt of his father’s face when he found him and of Blaine’s eyes before he ran away. He’d have a lot of apologies to make when he got home.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4:**

_“I saw a third—I heard his voice:_  
It is the Hermit good!   
He singeth loud his godly hymns   
That he makes in the wood.   
He'll shrieve my soul, he'll wash away   
The Albatross's blood.”

It didn’t feel quite like home when Sebastian got there. He was afraid to go in his room; sure that everything would still be covered in his blood. Luckily, the new mattress wasn’t being delivered until after the weekend so he would be sleeping in the guest room. But when he had to get a change of clothes or his school books, he did it quickly and tried not to look at anything else.

When they had left the hospital, his bandaged arms finally back beneath sleeves, his mother had handed him his phone. The battery was dead but when they got home, Sebastian sat in the living room, plugged it in and let the texts and missed calls wash over him.

Blaine: _Sebastian, please come back. Let me help you. We can go see the guidance counsellor at Dalton or even Miss Pillsbury at McKinley. You have to talk about this._

Blaine: _Please don’t do anything stupid. CALL ME. It wasn’t your fault, Sebastian._

Blaine: _Fine. Don’t call me. But if you do something stupid then I’ll never forgive you. You’re such an ass sometimes._

Blaine: _Okay. I’m scared now. Where are you? Are you okay? Talk to me, Sebastian._

Blaine: _Nick called me this morning. What were you thinking? I’ll try to come see you. You are loved, Sebastian. Please remember that._

“Dad?”

“Yeah?”

“What day is it?”

“Friday. Why?”

“Can you drive me to Regionals tomorrow?”

Marcus came into the living room, drying his hands on a dish towel. “Bud, you can’t perform tomorrow. You’ve only just gotten out of the hospital. You’re stitches aren’t even all out yet.”

“I don’t wanna perform. I just wanna go to support the Warblers. Can we go? Please?”

“We’ll see how you feel. We don’t want you to wear yourself out.”

“I’m just gonna be sitting in a theatre, Dad. That’s not exhausting. Even if it is at a public school.” His body might have survived but his sense of humour wasn’t recovered yet. He could tell the joke hadn’t landed by the look on his father’s face.

Marcus came and sat next to Sebastian, tossing the dish towel over his shoulder. “Seb, there’s gonna be a lot of people there who want to ask a million questions to make sure you’re okay. And then there’s also going to be a lot of people there who want to ask questions just for the gossip. That’s not gonna be easy on you.”

“Dad, I think I have a pretty thick skin. I can handle it.”

“I’m sure you can. I just want you to keep that in mind, okay?”

Sebastian sighed. “Okay.”

Marcus got up and clapped him on the shoulder before he flinched. “Sorry, did I-”

“Dad, you and Mom are not gonna treat me like glass. I can deal with some bumps and bruises. I’m okay.”

He was sure if he kept telling himself that then it would eventually become true.

.

The next morning, Sebastian ate breakfast with his parents before he went for a shower. With the water running over him, he gently traced the tender lines of the wounds in his wrist and tried to let the memories of making them wash down the drain. When he was dressed, his mother helped him re-bandage them the way the nurses had shown them before he went to fetch his phone.

“We’ll leave in ten minutes, alright?” Annabelle said. “I just need to get our snacks for the drive.”

“Sounds good, Mom.”

Sebastian ducked into the guest bedroom, shutting the door and sitting on his bed before he grabbed his phone. Messages were still trickling in from the Warblers and a few from his friends back in Paris. He had no idea how they found out about what happened but he had no idea what was on Facebook. He wasn’t brave enough to look now. But one text stood out with a timestamp for that morning.

Blaine: _Are you coming today? I’d love to see you if you are. The teams are sitting rows H through J. Come join us. Hope you’re doing okay._

“Come on, Seb, we’re heading off now,” Marcus called from downstairs.

“Coming, Dad.”

In the car, they listened to the radio and snacked on crackers and cheese. Sebastian tugged his sleeves down over his hands again and again and again. His mother spied his fidgeting and reached back for his hand. She took it and squeezed and Sebastian smiled before he looked at the message from Blaine again.

“I might sit with my friends when we get there. If that’s okay.”

“Sure, hun. Do you know where they’ll be?”

“Yeah, they sent me a text.”

“Do they know you’re coming?” Marcus asked.

“No. I might let Nick know though.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

Sebastian: _I’m coming to Regionals but I’m not performing. I wanna sit with you guys but I don’t want you to make a fuss. Save a spot for me?_

Nick: _Can do. Thad and I can wait outside the auditorium for you if you’d like. Blaine wants to see you too. He’s been crazy worried. We all have._

Sebastian: _I’m okay now. Well, I’m alive at least. He’s why I’m sitting with you guys. Partly. See you soon._

The rest of the drive was quiet and when they pulled into the McKinley parking lot, Sebastian wasn’t ready for the commotion of competition day.

“You want us to come in with you Seb or do you wanna go on your own?” Marcus asked.

“Nick said he’d come find me,” Sebastian said as he pulled his hood up. “I’ll meet you guys back here after the competition?”

“Sure. Call if you need anything.”

Sebastian nodded, pocketing his phone before he got out of the car. He waved to his parents and started across the lot, searching for blue and red blazers amongst the sea of costumed participants and hovering spectators. He saw Rachel from New Directions checking her makeup in Finn’s car window. He saw Jeff – not even in his uniform yet – coming around a corner popping a piece of gum into his mouth, presumably after a cigarette.

When Sebastian reached the doors, he took a deep breath before he headed inside. The linoleum hallways echoed everything back three times over and the noise was overwhelming. Trying to gulp down his fear, Sebastian searched the crowd for Nick and Thad but he found the gel helmet of Blaine Anderson first.

“Sebastian?”

“ _Blaine_.”

Blaine moved to hug Sebastian but pulled back. “Can I hug you? Sorry, I just – don’t want to hurt you.”

Sebastian spread his arms. “You can hug me. I won’t break.” Blaine crushed him into a hug, the smell of his raspberry hair gel filling Sebastian’s nose.

“I’m so glad you’re alright. I tried to come see you when Kurt went to see Dave Karofsky but they wouldn’t let me in. Family only,” Blaine said as he pulled away. He didn’t let go of Sebastian though, keeping a hand at his elbow. “What happened?”

“I went home and tried to kill myself.” Sebastian shrugged. “My dad came to check on me and they called an ambulance.”

Blaine shook his head. “I should have come after you.”

“It’s not your fault, Blaine.” The lingering urge to cradle Blaine in his arms filled Sebastian’s heart. “If it’s anyone’s fault it’s mine. Please don’t beat yourself up.”

“I’ll try. It’s been a hard week.” Blaine gestured to Sebastian’s clothes. “You’re not performing today?”

“Nah, I only got out of the hospital yesterday. I’m still kind of shaky and all of this,” he gestured around the hallway, “is sort of overwhelming.”

“Do you wanna go to the auditorium then? It’ll be quieter in there for a while yet.”

Sebastian craned his neck over the crowd. “I’ve gotta find Nick and Thad. They said they’d meet me here so I could sit with them during the competition.”

Blaine tugged on his sleeve and pointed down the hall to where Nick was watching them intently. “Found one.”

“I’d better go talk to him.”

“Take care, Sebastian. Call me if that albatross gets too heavy again.”

Sebastian smiled and nodded before he buried his hands in his pockets and headed for Nick. His friend watched him with a steady gaze, folding his arms across his chest when Sebastian reached him.

“Hey,” Sebastian said.

“Hey.”

“Everyone ready for today?”

“More or less,” Nick shrugged. “David decided we should sing for you and Karofsky. The others are out raising money for the Trevor Project right now.”

“Oh. That’s cool of you.”

“You didn’t tell us that you were depressed.”

“If it makes a difference, I didn’t tell anyone that I was depressed.”

“Blaine seemed pretty aware of what was happening, what you did.”

“That’s because I went to see him that afternoon to try and get help. I chickened out, went home, and slit my wrists.” Sebastian folded his arms across his chest, hoping Nick felt mocked rather than mimicked. “Does that make you feel better? That Blaine feels like he could have stopped me? That he was the last barrier I had to get through before I did what I did and that I got past him? Don’t blame Blaine for what I didn’t tell you.”

Nick dropped his arms to his sides and his eyes filled with tears. “I don’t want to blame Blaine. I want to blame you. I want to punch you in the face and kick you in the balls. I want to push you down a flight of stairs and shove you off a cliff. I am so damn angry at you, Sebastian! But I can’t _be_ angry at you because more of me is just so frickin’ thankful that you’re still alive.”

Before Sebastian could respond, Nick was hugging him. He returned the embrace, trying to collect his thoughts.

“Please don’t do that again, Sebastian,” Nick said as he pulled away. “Please try to talk to us or to get help or something. Please don’t ever… You’re my best friend.”

Sebastian smiled and nodded. “It’s okay. I’m on meds, I’m meeting with a psychologist next week and, for better or worse, my parents are well aware of ways to better take care of me.” He reached for Nick’s shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “You’re my best friend too. I’m sorry I didn’t let you share the burden.”

Nick reached up and squeezed Sebastian’s shoulder. “I love you, Seb. I don’t ever wanna see you hurting like that again.”

“Hopefully you won’t.”

Sebastian pulled Nick in for another hug but soon they were overwhelmed with Warblers, who each gave him a hug in turn and told him how happy they were to see him. The love from his friends was palpable in the public school hallway that smelled of sweat and paper. And as they walked together to the auditorium to sing for Sebastian, he felt the weight around his neck lift. It wasn’t gone, he could still feel the albatross tugging at his heart and whispering in the back of his mind, but he smiled and he meant it and that was enough for now.

_The End._


End file.
